The 4 Stages Explained
The cycle of abuse is the behavior pattern common in abusive relationships that keeps people emotionally trapped and confused. Abuse is rarely constant. Instead, it often comes and goes. It rears its ugly head when triggered. Abuse often follows a repeated pattern that includes 1. tension, 2. some form of abuse or toxic behavior, 3. an apology or make-up phase and 4. a return to calm.
Understanding the four stages of the cycle of abuse can help survivors, loved ones, and advocates understand abuse and take steps to eliminate abuse.
What Is the Cycle of Abuse?
The cycle of abuse is a behavioral pattern commonly found in emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusive relationships. The cycle illustrates why abusive relationships can feel loving at times and dangerous at others. The cycle also explains why it is so hard to leave abusive relationships.
The cycle includes four stages:
- Tension Building
- Abuse
- Making up (Honeymoon Phase)
- Calm
Without intervention, this cycle usually repeats. Most importantly, the abuse tends to escalate. The fact that the cycle often starts over gives victims a false sense of safety and security.
Stage 1: Tension Building Phase
The tension building stage is when stress and emotional pressure begin to rise.
Common signs of tension building:
- Criticism, insults, or passive-aggressive behavior
- Excessive jealousy, control, stalking
- Mood swings or anger over small issues
During this phase, the abused person often tries to prevent abuse by accommodating the desire of the abuser, people-pleasing, or accepting abuse in silence.
Stage 2: Abuse Incident
The incident stage is when the abuse occurs.
Types of abuse may include:
- Verbal abuse (yelling, name-calling, threats)
- Emotional or psychological abuse (gaslighting, manipulation, humiliation)
- Physical violence
- Sexual abuse
- Financial or digital abuse
This stage causes real harm and reinforces fear, shame, and power imbalance in the relationship.
Stage 3: Reconciliation or Honeymoon Phase
The honeymoon phase follows the abusive incident and can feel confusing or hopeful.
Behaviors during reconciliation may include:
- Apologies or promises to change
- Love-bombing, gifts, or excessive affection
- Minimizing or denying the abuse
- Blaming stress, substances, or the victim
This phase often strengthens emotional attachment and keeps survivors hoping the abuse will stop. The make up reinforces positive feelings and can be exceptionally exhilarating, while tying the victim to future abuse.
Stage 4: Calm Phase
The calm stage is a temporary period where abuse appears to stop.
During the calm phase:
- Conflict seems minimal or nonexistent
- The relationship feels “normal” or stable
- The abuse may be ignored or rationalized
However, without genuine accountability and long-term change, tension eventually returns and the cycle of abuse begins again.
Why the Cycle of Abuse Is Hard to Break
The cycle of abuse is powerful because it creates:
- Trauma bonding through emotional highs and lows
- Confusion between love and harm
- Fear of leaving during “good” periods
- Indecisive about the decision to leave
Many survivors stay not because they don’t see the abuse, but because the cycle distorts reality and hope.
How to Break the Cycle of Abuse
Breaking the cycle of abuse is possible, but it requires support, clarity, and safety planning. Toxic Love is a how-to-manual which uses our 5 Step strategy to break the cycle of abuse in your life using scientifically proven best practices.
Take a look at how our 5 Step Strategy to Stop the Abuse works.
You Are Not Alone
Understanding the cycle of abuse helps survivors replace confusion with clarity and self-compassion. Abuse is never deserved, and no phase of kindness cancels out harm.
If you recognize these stages in your relationship or someone else’s, help and support are available. Breaking the cycle may be difficult—but it is possible.
If you are experiencing abuse and need help, please call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.